I just replaced the air freshener can –
With an air horn in the church bathroom. Now we wait!!
Grandma once said –
“Sometimes you have to hug the people you don’t like so you know how big to dig the hole in your back yard.”
There are two genders –
One goes to a Gynecologist, and the other to a Urologist. Everyone else needs to go to a Psychologist.
Gray Pride –
We’re old. We’re tired. Get off our lawn.
I’m in Home Depot –
And some little kid called me an old fossil. So it you’re missing your kid, he’s in the red LG dryer, isle 17.
Getting older is just –
One body part after another saying, “Ha Ha, you think that’s bad? Watch this.”
Those who like my posts are happier –
More intelligent and better-looking than those who don’t; according to a study I made up.
Do women ever sit back and think –
“My man sure does know a lot, maybe I should just be quiet and listen to him.”
When I was young –
I was poor. But after years of hard, honest and painstaking work, I’m no longer young.
A man asked me for a dollar –
I told him I only carry big bills. He said give me one of those. I gave him my electric bill.
Can I order a –
Replacement body please, this one is constantly malfunctioning.
Today I was struggling –
To get my wife’s attention. So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.
Did you know –
That laughing at your own mistakes can lengthen your life while, laughing at your wife’s mistakes can shorten it.
I’ve reached the age –
That when I take Ibuprofen it has no idea where to even start with how to help me.
When I was in high school –
My teacher asked me to give her a sentence using the words: defense, defeat, detail. So I told her, when the horse jumps over defense, defeat go first and then detail.
I went for a run –
Yesterday for the first time with my Apple Watch. It detected me running and asked if my life was in danger or if tacos were on sale for a dollar again?
Over the span of 11 years –
120 people died in weightlifting accidents at the gym. In the same 11 years, only one person died eating doughnuts. Make good choices people.
My wife crashed the car again today –
She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer! Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room!
I think senility –
Is going to be a fairly smooth transition for me.
It’s so Hot –
I just walked outside and ran into Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family –
Was suffering from mental illness. I said; “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”
When old people say “enjoy them –
While they’re young,” they’re talking about your knees and hips, not your children.
I did some financial planning –
And it looks like I can retire at 97 and live comfortably for 11 minutes.
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget’s Thesaurus –
Crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
I got my wife to help me –
Put some posts in the ground for our new fence, I gave her the new hammer and I said, “When I nod my head, you hit it.” “I don’t remember much after that.”
Guys I need your help –
In the middle of an argument with my wife she told me that I’m right. What the heck do I do next?
Not only did I fall off –
The diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods and set it on fire. I used the insurance money to buy cupcakes.
When a man says I’m sorry –
When he’s wrong he’s honest, when a man says I’m sorry when he might be wrong he’s wise, when a man says I’m sorry and he knows he’s right he’s a husband.
Only a woman who’s delivered –
A baby without an epidural can truly understand the pain a man goes through when he has the flu.
When a woman says –
“Correct me if I’m wrong”, Do not under any, I mean any circumstances do it!
It’s better to grow old with a sense of humor –
Than to grow old with no sense at all.
After birth, how long does it take for the eyes to open –
Cows – immediately, Goats – after 2 hours, Cats – after 6 days, Dogs – after 10 days, Humans – after marriage.
Husbands, if your wife does something wrong –
Just explain to her how your mom did it. She will appreciate your advice, and strive to do it as your mom did.
If you get lost in the woods –
Find a possum, follow it. You will be in the middle of a road in no time.
Never laugh at your wife’s choices –
You’re one of them.
People ask –
“Do I really need Jesus to go to Heaven?” Bro, you need Jesus just to go to Walmart.
Remember –
When something goes wrong in the circus, they send in the clowns to distract the audience. Well, something has gone very wrong with this circus, and the clowns are everywhere.
You can tell a lot about a woman –
By her hands. For instance, if they’re around your throat she’s probably slightly upset.
I was determined my wife would wake up –
With a smile on her face this morning. Now I am not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.
Men can’t have babies –
Because God saw how they handled a cold and knew the species would not survive.
It’s so cold –
I saw chickens lined up outside a KFC waiting for their turn in the deep fryer.
I asked my Grandpa –
“After 65 years you still call Gramma Darling, Beautiful and Honey. What’s the secret?” He replied, “I forgot her name 5 years ago and I’m scared to ask her!”
95% of electric cars –
Are still on the road, the other 5% made it all the way home.
Two men going on a hunting trip –
They saw a funeral procession coming their way as they were starting their hunt. One said to the other, “That’s good of you to stop to show your respect.” Said the other one, “Well we were married for 35 years.”
My favorite –
Childhood memory is having energy.
Just got 30 minutes –
Of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Do you ever get up in the morning –
Look at yourself in the mirror and think…”That can’t be accurate.”
Remember when –
You could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Sorry, I am not interested –
In your workout routine. I’m happy just getting my leg through my underwear without falling down.
I saw two huge black birds –
In my garden this morning and they were stuck together. Turns our they were Velcrows.
Aging is like a –
Garage Sale. Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
I did a push-up today –
Well, actually I fell down. But I had to use my arms to get up so…you know, close enough.
My ducks –
Are absolutely not in a row. I don’t even know where some of them are. And I’m pretty sure one of them is a pigeon.
Two little boys –
Were at a wedding when one of them leaned over to the other and asked, “How may wives can a man have?” His friend answered, “Sixteen…Four better, Four worse, Four richer, Four poorer.”
Getting old –
You know you’re getting old when you barely do anything all day, but still need to have a nap to continue to do barely anything.
When your young –
And you drop something, you just pick it up. When you’re older and you drop something, you stare at it for awhile wondering if you actually need it.
Fallen and Can’t Get Up –
When we were kids we laughed at the commercial, “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” I get it now, an it’s not so funny
Built in USA –
It’s a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore. I just bought a TV and it said “Built in Antenna”. I don’t even know where that is.
Japanese Method –
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering where you hold every object that you own and if it does not bring you joy, you throw it away. So far I have thrown out all of the vegetables, my bra, the electric bill, the scale, a mirror and my treadmill.
Old Age –
I’m at that age that the next day my body whispers to me – please don’t do that again.
Dust to Dust –
You come from Dust, you will return to Dust, that’s why I don’t Dust, it could be someone I know.
Gas prices are so high –
That I went to the car dealership and test-drove 3 cars to run my errands. Follow for more money-saving tips.
I’m at the age –
Where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died in the civil war.
Mildred was a widow and devout Christian
She attended church every Sunday and even on Wednesday night for prayer service. She didn’t have a lot of money. One day she found her food pantry bare and didn’t have any money to buy groceries. Mildred knew the power of prayer, and asked God to provide. She knew God promised to meet her needs and went to bed that night without a worry. The next morning she heard a noise at her front door, opened it and found several sacks of groceries. Mildred raised both hands, looked up at the sky and said, “God did it, God did it, God did it.” Just then Stan, her atheist neighbor came around the corner of the house. He told Mildred that God doesn’t exist and he provided the groceries. Mildred didn’t miss a beat, with both hands still raised, looked up at the sky and said, “God did it, God did it, God did it.” Stan told Mildred again that God doesn’t exist and he bought the groceries with his money and put them on her front porch. Again, Mildred with both hands still raised, looked Stan in the eyes and said, “God did it, God did it, and He made the Devil pay for the groceries.”
Church Bulletin Bloopers From Laughbreak.com
- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
- The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
- Evening massage – 6 p.m.
- The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
- The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
- Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
- Ushers will eat latecomers.
- The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
- For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Getting Old
I don’t understand the reasoning. The older I get, the tighter companies are putting lids on jars. Why would they do that?
Oldest Computer
The oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with very limited memory. Just 1 byte and everything crashed.
Cell Phones
Most people use their phones to call or text people. I’m at that age where I use my phone to take pictures of labels I can’t read and use my phone to enlarge them so I can read it.
Squirrels
There was once a small town experiencing an overpopulation of squirrels. The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will. At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a waterslide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide, an unfortunately, instinctively knew how to swim. So twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran Church decided they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures so they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the waterslide. The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. But the Catholic Church came up with a more creative strategy. They actually baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
Grilling a Steak
That moment when your steak is on the grill, and you can already feel your mouth watering – Do vegans feel the same when mowing the lawn?
Backtalk
I came from a generation where exhaling too loud was considered backtalk.